On Burning Out

It's difficult for me to be open about my emotions, but I'm going to try to get some of this down anyway.

I am burned out.

I don't have enough energy, motivation, or willpower to fulfill my goals or my responsibilities at work and at home. And though we're all stuck at home at the time of this writing-- I've been working from home for a bit over 2 years now. Add to that, working at a startup brings additional pressures that make it really easy to let the balance between work and life slip.

And my work/life balance is sliding away. The line between home and work is completely gone. Now that I am almost literally always at home, I am also never not at work.

But these days, I've noticed that while I am sitting at my computer for 9 or 10 or 12 hours a day, I rarely feel productive.

What's more is I am definitely challenged and engaged at work-- I truly do enjoy what we do at my job. And the same is true at home. I have young children and am of course challenged constantly. Staying engaged at home though, well I am ashamed to admit this: I don't have the energy to engage with my family as much as what they deserve.

And now the reality is that I'm not succeeding in either arena. It's a tough one for me to face, being honest.

And what is there to do for any of this? It's difficult to say, really. Taking vacations is something I definitely need to do more, and I do usually feel refreshed after a nice break. But there is some strange sort of guilt weighing down on me. Like I haven't been productive so I don't deserve time off. It's actually very interesting to describe, and I'm overwhelmed with emotion as I write this.

Anyone who has worked at a startup will agree that there's never a shortage of things to do and much of the time no shortage on fires and priorities that need to be addressed immediately. I sort of feel the same about my home life-- I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time and there is always some kind of thing that needs to be done or problem to be solved.